Heal My Broken Heart

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Anyone going through a break up and suffering emotional pain may feel their future is a dark and lonely place. One of the biggest difficulties is not knowing how long the trauma is going to last. If someone could say “don’t worry it will all be over in three weeks” you would probably start to cheer up immediately. Unfortunately no one can make that promise because they are not in control of your thought processes. Can you think of anyone who is? How about you? The secret to coping with a break up and your future happiness lies in your ability to control your negative thoughts.

Most people go through life not realising they can control what they focus their thoughts on and determine their emotional states. People spend huge amounts of time and money on making their external world comfortable but spend almost no time directly changing how they think and feel.

Your internal world is the place where you spend most of your life talking to yourself, making decisions and being aware of who you are and what you want. Most people do everything they can to avoid tuning in to what they are thinking; they will watch TV, listen to music, talk to others, play games, drink alcohol and take drugs all in an attempt to block out their internal thoughts. There is merit in interrupting your negative thought patterns particularly when you are going through the trauma of a break up. Even so, despite our best efforts we are particularly vulnerable to negative self talk especially when we are alone. It’s at these times we need to consciously take control of what we are focusing on and curtail the downward spiral of negative thoughts and emotions.

Of course controlling your thoughts is easier said that done but the reward, peace of mind, is more than worth any effort required to learn thought control. Many of the techniques used to quieten your mind are simple and effective; they merely require practice until they become habitual. Once you learn how to control your negative thoughts you will enhance the quality of the rest of your life.

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Sometimes life requires you to make courageous decisions about what direction you are going in and were it is leading you. Of course the most difficult decision is to let go of someone you love. It is such a momentous decision that you can agonize over it for months and even years despite the fact that your partner may have already moved on.

The pain that this indecision carries with it is excruciating, debilitating and can destroy your very soul. Yet you refuse to make the decision to accept that your relationship is over. You don’t make the decision because the fear of losing your love and the future plans you made is stronger than the pain that you are experiencing. At some point the balance of that equation will change and you will let go; that’s the point where you will start to heal your broken heart.

So what is it that happens to swing the balance? As time passes you start getting used to your partner not being around and slowly you start to form new daily habits. You build new friendships or rekindle old ones; you get used to being single and actually start to enjoy the freedom of it. Most importantly you start to replace your old plans for your future with new ones.

People often want to know how long it is going to take to get over a break up and of course there is no definitive answer but the previous paragraph contains a huge clue. Your heartache will last as long as it takes you to replace your daily habits and your future plans. Once you adapt to your new reality your sub conscious mind will sense that all is well in your world and it will stop producing the negative emotional states which cause so much pain.

There are many simple psychological techniques you can learn that will speed up the process. By using these techniques in your day to day life you effectively tell your brain that you are back in control and it responds accordingly.

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A few years ago I was struggling to cope with a relationship break up to the extent that I thought the pain was never going to end. A psychologist friend of mine kept telling me that all I had to do was let go of the relationship and I would immediately start to heal. The problem was that I couldn’t let go; it was such a huge decision to make and it frightened the hell out of me to even contemplate it.You see this was the fourth time a relationship had failed for me and I thought if I didn’t cling onto it I would never realise my dream of growing old with some one at my side. My future looked very bleak and lonely so I just had to cling on until my girlfriend realised how much she loved and missed me. Yea, yea that was going to happen. Of course, 6 months turned into a year and there was still no chance of her coming round, in fact she avoided me like the plague but I remained hopeful.

During all this time I compared every girl I met with my ex and in my mind none of them would do. I refused to date in case my ex heard about it; I thought dating would definitely put the seal on my delusion that she would come back. What a torturous life I was leading.

It all turned on its head one day when something happened that made me see things from a different angle. I few friends were going snow skiing and asked me to go along. I had no experience of skiing and the idea scared the hell out of me; mainly because I didn’t want to look foolish falling all over the mountain. I went along and as I expected I spent the first three days face down in the snow. It was all very humiliating especially when five year old tots were skiing past and making innocent remarks about “the man with one ski lying in the snow”.

The funny thing was that I slowly but surely made progress and with each new achievement I found my negative emotions being replaced with pride at my successes. I then started dreaming of getting off the nursery slopes and up the mountain with my friends. As each day passed I became more confident in my abilities and enthused about the prospect of skiing down the mountain. I had one final skill to master and it looked like it was going to be the undoing of my plans; I had to learn how to turn without falling flat on my face.

“Its easy you just have to lean downhill and your skis will follow”, you must be kidding me. Every survival instinct in my body was telling me to do the opposite, lean up the hill. Surely if I lean down the hill I will go head over heals all the way to the bottom; it was a long way to fall and I was having none of it. Eventually half way through the fourth day I got it; I faced my fears, looked down the precipitous slope and leaned down. Wow I couldn’t believe it, my skis swooped my round and I was traversing the slope in the opposite direction. I had cracked it.

So besides learning to ski I learned one other very important life lesson; sometimes we have to do the scary thing to get results. When I came back from that holiday my whole outlook had changed, I let go, started dating and became my old self. Guess what? A few months later my ex started communicating with me again, suddenly I had become attractive again but unfortunately for her I really had moved on by then.

Go on make that scary decision, let go, move on and start living again. Life is too short to spend lamenting about what we have lost.

Stephen Stewart Nixon

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Many people faced with the painful experience of a relationship break up turn to drink, drugs or rebound relationships as a means of relief. The difficulty with such methods is that the relief is short lived and carries an unwritten pay back clause; hangovers, depression and lowering of self esteem. I’m not suggesting you avoid socialising, quite the opposite, but what you should be weary of is over indulgence and potential dependency on your artificial “hit”.

So what do I suggest? How about exercise? I’m not recommending that you go off and join a gym or sports club, although it’s not a bad idea, there is no point asking you to do that if it’s not your thing. The fact still remains that taking some exercise will do you the world of good and here is why.

When we exercise our bodies go through some amazing changes which believe it or not can change our demeanour in a very short time. The major change to your mood is effected by the production of bio chemicals called endorphins, natural opiates, which give you a feeling of euphoria. Unlike alcohol and drugs there is no pay back with endorphins save for a few sore muscles from your exercise. One other mood enhancing benefit of moving your body is that toxins are pumped out of your lymphatic system; this is the network of very fine “blood” vessels which take toxins away from your cells and dump it into the blood stream.

Those two benefits alone are worth any effort required to exercise regardless of the many other rewards to your health. While enduring a period of emotional stress is paramount that you give yourself the best chance for recovery by looking after your health.

What if you’re not a sporty person? What if you’re not very fit? The answer? There’s a clue in the title, walk. Yes get out and walk for a mile or so every time you are feeling stressed. Often I find for the first 10 to 20 minutes I have to force my self to keep walking; I find all sorts of reasons for turning back. It’s to cold, it’s going to rain (what’s new, I live in Ireland), my legs are sore, I think I’m getting a blister and off course I just don’t feel like this today. I force myself on and after 20 minutes an amazing transformation occurs, all my worries seem manageable, any pain in my legs dissipates and most importantly the pain in my heart lifts. These are the effects of the endorphins which for me seem to take 20 minutes to kick in.

You don’t have to take my word for it, get out there and give it a go, get some exercise. Play with the kids, go for a walk, get your old bicycle out, dance around the room but get your muscles moving and produce some endorphins. You will feel one hundred times better even with only 30 minutes of light exercise. Make it fun and you will want to do it again and again.

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Have you ever wondered why some people seem to cope really well when their relationship ends? I’m not talking about the people who have already disengaged from the relationship before it ends. I am referring to are those people who are taken by surprise and left high and dry by their partner and yet still seem to cope rather well. What is it that they possess or do that enables them to cope with such a distressing situation?

The starting point of coping with negative emotions is to be aware of them and understand that you can influence them. Ask yourself which of the following categories you fall into:-

• Self Aware
These people are aware of their moods as they are happening. They
usually tend to be in good psychological health and optimistic. They do not ruminate or obsess about negative moods and can come out of them quickly.

• Engulfed
These people often feel swamped by emotions which seem to be in charge. They are not very aware of their feelings and so get lost in them. They do little to change their mood and feel as though they have no control of their emotional life.

• Accepting
These people are aware of their moods but tend to accept them; they do nothing to change their emotional distress because they believe that there is nothing they can do.

If you fall into either of the last two categories you could benefit greatly by learning about your emotions and the simple techniques that can change your moods.
If you fall into the first category but find yourself overwhelmed by the flood of emotions experienced when a relationship breaks up you can still benefit from many of these techniques.

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An old Japanese story tells of an unsettled Samurai who challenged a Zen Master to explain the concept of heaven and hell. The monk told him to go away and figure it out for himself which enraged the samurai to a point were he drew his sword. “I could kill you for your impertinence” he raged at the monk; “That” the monk replied “is hell”. Seeing that his rage was indeed hell the samurai calmed down and thanked the monk for the lesson. “And that” said the monk “is Heaven”

The negative emotions experienced during a relationship break up may be view in much the same way; heaven or hell. The road to heaven is long and rocky but by becoming aware of your emotions and the negative impact they have on your life you may be able to make better decisions and have better outcomes.

The more you learn and understand about both your emotions and those of your ex/partner the smoother your break up will be. Knowledge of your emotions enables you to have more control over them and also prevents you from over reacting to the emotional outbursts of you ex/partner. Let’s face it, negative emotions do not move us to a happier place, in fact they do the opposite.

Next time you feel like having an emotional outburst or react to someone else’s ask your self this question “is this behaviour moving me toward heaven or dragging me back to hell?”

Naturally you may need to sort out some issues with your ex/partner but they will be much easier to handle if you can keep your head. If you find that you cannot converse with one another in a calm manner then you would be well advised to take a long break and have no contact.

On final point, we live in the present so this moment is your life; not yesterday not tomorrow, this moment. So what is it to be, Heaven or hell? The choice is yours to take so long as you realise that fact.

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Going through a relationship break up can be a very scary experience even for “seasoned professionals” who have been through it all before. One question people what answered is “how long is the pain going to last?” Of course there is no definitive answer but one thing is definite; if you stand still and do nothing it is going to last a very long time.

Only by making decisions and acting on them are you likely to make progress away from the source of your pain. The difficulty in taking action is that human beings fear the unknown and as a result will often endure pain and distress much longer than is necessary. Their fear of the unknown is greater than the pain they experience in trying to cling onto their damaged relationship.

Often in life the right to do seems the opposite of what our logic tells us “surely if I do that then this will happen”. Not necessarily and in fact you will be very surprised at the results you achieve when you take brave decisions.

The Saying “Fortune Favours the Brave” comes from the Latin Phrase “Fortes Fortuna Adiuvat” which means that Fortuna, the Roman goddess of luck, is more likely to help people who take action. The saying has been around since the second century BC, 2200 years, and today is used by organisations such as the US Marines and sports clubs throughout the world.

So the message to anyone suffering from a painful relationship break up is “get lady luck on your side”; make courageous decisions. Dis-empower your ex by deciding to move on.

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Sometimes life requires us to do the opposite of what we feel is the right and safe choice. This is never more apt than when we find ourselves in a state of emotional distress after a relationship break up. Every bone in our bodies tells us that clinging on to our relationship is surely the only way to cure ourselves of the terrible affliction of emotional pain. In reality nothing could be further from the truth because our emotions have a purpose which is to motivate us to take action; move away from the source of pain.Walking away from a relationship does not have to be a “forever” decision because nothing in life is set in stone. It is much easier to walk away knowing that if you decide to return to the relationship that option is open to you. That is why the person who makes the initial decision to leave is often perceived to be coping better that the person who is “left behind”.

By making the decision that the relationship in its present form is not what you want you send a powerful message to your emotions that all is well with the world and you are not is any distress. This one decision can relieve so much of your anxiety that is essential for you to make it. This decision will serve you in many ways:-

1. Immediate reduction in stress levels
2. Reduction in craving to be with your ex
3. Takes the power of decision away from your ex
4. Increases your self confidence when dealing with your ex

Go on do the opposite of what feels safe make the brave decision to walk away and start living again. You never know how your ex will react to their loss of power.

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People generally pay little attention to their emotions until they encounter a situation where an emotional reaction affects their lives in some dramatic way. In essence emotional episodes usually last for a very short period and are quickly followed by a return to the underlying mood. For example if you get a fright or see something funny the extreme of the emotional reaction only lasts for a few moments followed by a slow return to your normal state. In this type of situation your emotional systems are in balance and the purpose of the emotion is the motivate you to take action. When you are frightened you tend to move away from the situation and were you are amused you tend to move toward the source by continuing to watch or listen.

In a similar way the emotions experienced during a relationship break up are intended to make you take action. The action will be to either resolve the differences with in your relationship or to move away from it. The one major difference you will experience in this situation is that the emotions do not easily return to you normal state. In fact the negative and painful emotions can continue for months and even years into the future.

So what has gone wrong? Well put simply, in a break up we tend to not follow the message our emotions are giving us and as a result instead of moving away from the source of pain we cling onto it. Making the decision to let go of the relationship is very difficult especially since it means moving away from what we were comfortable with toward the unknown. People do not like the unknown; it frightens them into indecision which keeps them in the negative emotional cycle.

People who make the tough decision to move on find that they very quickly start to feel better and experience fewer emotional episodes.

Nothing in life is written in stone and deciding to walk away from your relationship does not mean you cannot pick up the pieces at some later stage. What you need right now is time and space to rest and recover from the emotional battle you have been involved in. Once you are feeling in control of your emotions you can make a choice about finding a new romance or re kindling your old one.

Fortune favors the brave; walk away from your painful relationship, for now at least.

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